"...it is precisely in retreats of short duration that the human element develops most easily."
If you are new to this blog (and a bunch a new people stopped by this weekend because of Hugh Hewitt's kind introduction), then you may either want to check out my "Welcome" blogs or just dive right in to the middle of this series on the Spiritual Discipline of the Hang.
In his book, Life Together, Dietrich Bonhoeffer warns that when we Christians limit our times of fellowship to "retreats" (or I would add any kind of "fellowship event") "of short duration", the "human element" develops. By "human element" Bonhoeffer means the very human tendency to idealize people, project your need-issues on people, or otherwise see them as nothing more than an extension of yourself, there to meet your needs. He wants us to beware of short times of fellowship and instead concentrate on the loving each other in the long, committed, regular, daily discipline of true fellowship.
And this time I agree with Bonhoeffer...sort of.
Certainly, short, shallow, small talk can never build the kinds of deep connections, intimacy and friendship that come about from years of everyday interaction and experiences. Certainly we all put our best faces forward when we spend time with new people and even the most pagan of us can find a way to look down-right holy for a brief weekend retreat or at church potluck. Certainly, we will all tend to gravitate to others who are like ourselves whenever we are thrown into new social situations. Certainly true fellowship, true Christian community takes time. Not just small talk but "big" talk. Not just "short durations" but "long durations."
Certainly Bonhoeffer is right. But...
When was the last time that you had a long, deep conversation of "big" talk? Y'know, when was the last time that you sat down and opened your mind and your soul and experienced Jesus speaking to you through the voice of a friend? If it was recently, I'll bet that it occurred a) because you are in a small group that has been meeting for a long time, or b) because you were talking to an "old friend" whom you have known for a long time, or c) you were in dire straights. (Desperation and trial often make us cut to the chase and get to the heart of a matter.)
And in a) and b) above you were able to go deep and talk honestly precisely because you spent a good long, slow time developing the relationship over time, through small talk. I learned in college (I was a speech communication major) that "small talk leads to big talk." Simple, short, caring conversations that slowly and appropriately go deeper and deeper, with increasing but not sudden or forced depth in intimacy develop the kinds of lasting friendships that truly enrich our lives. We need to grow closer slowly, over time. And that takes "the hang."
The Spiritual Discipline of proximity is about spending ample amounts of time near certain people, over a backgammon board, across a tennis court, on a bicycle, while running, over dinner, while stirring a cup of coffee, or in our church's case on our patio after services and at our all-church mid week dinner and education event called Big Wednesday.
Once we have spent a lot of time in small talk, then the big talk follows.
Recent Comments